The first time I studied the "unbearable pressure" for half a year, he dropped out of school. After 7 years, he joined the top institute

Author:Scientific network Time:2022.06.23

Text ｜ "China Science News" trainee reporter Liu Runan

Reading in South Korea, Xu Yang was under great pressure due to his distress and suffering. For more than half a year, he couldn't put it on and chose to drop out. This made him the "loser" in his parents.

Two years later, he couldn't help scoring research and re -applied for a doctorate in American universities, and was eventually admitted by the University of Tennessee Noxville. However, the doctoral qualification examination after one year after admission was defeated again. The judges said, "Your research plan is very bad, and I don't want to read it at all."

Two failures did not make him depressed, but instead stimulated him to grow. In June of this year, he had just obtained a doctorate degree and was about to admit to the Broad Institute of Massachusetts Institute of Technology and Harvard University's High -level Genome Research Center, and continued to engage in scientific research.

Recently, Xu Yang accepted an exclusive interview with the China Science News. The following is a self -described by the reporter.

Xu Yang

"Three Big Mountains" made me breathless

I studied undergraduate at Agricultural University of China. In 2014, when I was preparing to study an interview and apply for studying abroad at the same time, I accidentally attended the school's academic lectures and met the reporter -a Korean professor. The laboratory where the teacher is located is recruiting doctoral students, and the direction is compatible with the majors I have learned. Later, after some communication, I felt that going to South Korea to study for a doctor was also a good choice. In addition, there were no messages for other schools I applied for.

Unexpectedly, this was the beginning of my nightmare. Soon I felt the huge pressure from three aspects, like three mountains that made me overwhelmed.

The first is insufficient living expenses, and it sounds like a subsidy of RMB 5,000 per month. During the early communication stage with the instructor, he told me that I could basically cover the needs of life, and I also wanted to take it for granted.

But in fact, the expenses are very large. For example, eating, the cafeteria lunch is equivalent to RMB 30 and dinner about 50 yuan. I can't afford it at all. In order to save money, I often cook by myself, filling my stomach with cheap staple foods such as rice and bread, but I still often feel hungry. In the long run, the nutrition is also uneven. Due to too much carbohydrate intake, I quickly got 10 pounds. Cholesterol, blood sugar, etc. during medical examinations were seriously exceeded.

Social networking is almost zero, and the price of dining or leisure is daunting. In addition, the monthly accommodation fee is more than 1,000, and there are many expenses such as online fees and telephone fees.

At that time, Chinese students at the same level advised me to ask my parents for money, even if it took 1,000 yuan a month, it was better. But my parents are ordinary workers, and my family is not wealthy. Moreover, I don't think I should no longer reach out to my parents after graduating from college.

Second, academic pressure is huge. Since all doctoral courses are completed in the first year, the courses and operation tasks are very heavy. At that time, I needed to take 5 courses at the same time. Among them, 1 course required to read 300 pages within 2 weeks and write a 10 -page report. It is conceivable to know the task of 5 courses. I cook until about 2 am every day, and I only sleep for five or six hours in a long time. The most important thing is that if you can worry about food and clothing, you will be better, but you will spend a lot of time when you buy cooking. One month I bought two winter clothes, and my living expenses were stretched. This makes it difficult for me to calm down to deal with heavy learning tasks.

The third is that the cultural atmosphere makes me feel very depressed. The entire laboratory level is very obvious. From the laboratory leaders, researchers, post -doctoral, etc., I am at the end. Whether it is work or daily exchanges, you can clearly feel this kind of humble order, making people have to be careful.

Moreover, although the teaching language is English, everyone still uses Korean in private, and I cannot integrate into their lives.

On one occasion, I accidentally learned that the monthly living expenses of Korean students were three times that of international students, so I asked the teacher responsible for the award -to -school fund. His answers and eyes at the time impressed me, "Because international students are not as good as Korean students, there are so many."

"Then if we reach the level of their own students in the future, will this subsidy increase as they are?" I asked, at the time I still thought that it was not good enough.

"Not possible," he replied.

This naked discrimination made me very sad.

Struggle for more than half a year, I decided to drop out of school

At that time, the body was in a sub -health state, and the mental condition was very bad. I felt that I had a very hard life every day and could not feel any happiness. Most of the time, it is very lonely for a person to cook, take class alone, and complete the homework alone. I suspect that I was a little depressed at that time, but I always felt that I was not strong enough and did not seek medical treatment.

My parents are very traditional. From small to large, I have been taught to "bear the burden of humiliation", "perseverance", "unremitting", "not to be abandoned halfway", and if you encounter difficulties, you must "courage to defeat yourself". So even if I felt tremendous pressure, I still persuaded myself to persist in another period of time. But despair is that after spending day and another day, there are no signs of good things, and I can't get any sense of accomplishment and fun.

Shortly after school, the idea of dropping out has been hovering in my mind. On every lonely and tossing night, I kept asking myself: "What is this for? Do I want to spend the remaining 5 years like this? My youth and time are wasted here?" There is nowhere to release.

In January 2016, the departments organized a group to build an outing. I saw everyone happy, and I was like an outsider. On the surface, I kept politeness and smile, but my heart was very torment. No one knew that I was so unhappy, and I didn't belong to it at all. It defeated me like "the last straw", and I was determined to drop out of school.

It happened that there was a newly established laboratory at Zhejiang University at the time. When I was in the summer camp, I had been to Zhejiang University, and I was a little familiar. The interview was also lucky to pass.

After I arrived in Hangzhou, I told my parents that I dropped out of school. It was unexpected that it caused extremely severe blame and criticism. They are completely unable to understand and cannot accept the dropping out. I think this is a shame. I see a loser in their opinion. "You have an experience of dropping out. Who will accept you in the future?"

After returning to China, my body and spirit were much better, and I felt like I was alive again. Although the salary of 2500 yuan is not much, the cafeteria meals are cheap, and the rent with others only needs to share the rent of 500 yuan. It is enough for me, and it can save a little money to socialize and travel. I became more cheerful during that time. In fact, I was originally a very cheerful person, but for the six months studying abroad to force me to be silent.

Later, for a long time, I was unwilling to mention the experience of South Korea. It may be that I lack the courage to face, or it may be that the memory is too painful, and the brain automatically chooses to avoid.

Apply for a doctorate again in 2 years

After doing an assistant researcher for more than a year, I felt that I had encountered a ceiling -no new, more challenging job, and the knowledge I learned was not enough. But I still want to do scientific research, and I hope to have a systematic improvement.

So I started the second doctoral application and got the admission notice from the University of Tennessee Noxville. The scholarships and living subsidies provided here are not bad. International students have not been treated differently. In addition, everyone speaks English, and communication is easier. Even if I face the same heavy learning tasks, I still feel a lot easier.

Soon the doctoral qualification exam, only the exam can become a doctoral candidate, and officially conducts experiments and research. However, because of the problems of language writing, expression, and research, I failed for the first time. The judges said politely, "Your research plan is very bad, I don't want to read it at all."

At that time, I fell into a deep self -doubt and self -denial: "Do I really have the ability to read blogs? Maybe this time I have to end with a failure?"

It was precisely this heavy blow that made me feel pain and faced my deficiencies and problems. I began to reflect on my learning habits, and I also worked hard to think about any remedial measures. I spent a lot of time practicing English writing and expression, and looking for classmates and teachers to improve my research ideas.

It was also at that time that I started to face the experience of South Korea. In constant thinking, I realized that failure is inevitable, and failure is not shame. Instead of the fear of being afraid of failure, it is better to accept failure and learn lessons.

Xu Yang

This is an important turning point in my life. I think I can finally let go of the burden of the past. I no longer blame and deny myself, but I accepted myself from the bottom of my heart. When I change my attitude and thought, it seems that everything is different. After a semester, I passed the qualification test smoothly.

A few years after reading the blog, I also encountered various difficulties and failures in the study, but I don't think this is nothing. Trying once is equivalent to finding a negative answer. The more you try, the more negative answers you find, and you can get closer to the correct answer.

My mentor also said that I saw obvious growth and transformation from me.

I think these failures taught me the quality and the ability I later learned, which is an important reason why the Bo Ting Institute chose me. In June, I just got a doctorate degree through the defense, and then I will continue to do a study of biology -related studies at the Bode Research Institute. This job makes me very proud, and the instructor is also very pleased.

As for my parents, I am even more happy. Since I came to Tennessee to read blogs, they often mentioned me with relatives and friends, with many praise. Parents have their limitations. I think many people's parents are like this.

I am willing to be interviewed and speak out these experiences. I also hope to give some encouragement to those who are in a similar dilemma. I hope everyone can get a little strength after seeing it.

editor | Fangyuan

Capture | Guo Gang

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