"When the child grows up, he doesn't like to chat with me."

Author | xh

As the middle and college entrance examinations have begun, the summer vacation of students is coming, and the repertoires of parents, grandparents and children are about to start.

However, the "communication difficulties" with parents not only appear between adolescent children and menopause parents, but also between adult children and middle -aged and elderly parents.

In real life, even if he is an adult, he is even a parent. When facing his parents, he will still have a sense of cramped when he is young. For example, Xiaobian himself, as an adult 1? 2? ... 7 years of "adults", there are still some topics that are unwilling to mention with their parents, or ashamed to express to parents, and therefore, it is considered that "the child grows up but does not like to be close to our parents' closeness. "" Parent's little cotton jacket leaks "...

The communication between adult children and parents,

What may be from?

// Children are ashamed of the topic mentioned.

Sometimes, adult children choose not to talk to their parents, or it may be because they have internalized the problem. Compared with the failure of a specific event, they may be based on this- "I am a loser."

Perhaps it is a controversial marriage, or maybe to be engaged in a job that cannot bring a sense of accomplishment, or it is difficult to be responsible for your own life planning ... as you face a more complex life and social environment after adulthood, many Incidents may make the children feel that their lives are also failed, so in the process of communication with others, especially important others, they are more refluxed, and they will not seek support from those who are able to help themselves as soon as possible. Among them, of which Including their parents.

// Children resist the possible reactions of their parents.

When the result of multiple discussions is more uncomfortable -would you still choose to communicate further with the other party? Maybe not. The relationship between adult children and parents.

Sometimes it may be because it is not needed to give suggestions, eager to solve the problem and ignore the emotions or feelings of the children; sometimes because of powerlessness, I have a joke on some things; sometimes because it is easy The land label or judge the child, "You are such a good person!" ...

The higher the frequency of receiving these feedback, the more children are not inclined to seek support or solutions from their parents. Most of the time, as a parent, it may be difficult to realize that his previous response is not expected.

// Parents' helpless reactions may bring stronger anxiety.

For some adult children, talking to parents may mean a sense of stressful response.

On the one hand, with the growth of children, the difficulties encountered in actual life are gradually "upgrading". On the other hand, based on complex problems, parents can directly participate or provide resources to gradually decrease. Therefore, when discussing some important stress incidents with parents, if the parents' response is too anxious, the party may lead to more lack of support, so they feel exhausted and seek other help and support.

// Parents invest too much "selfishness" during the response process.

When parents give their children, they will inevitably integrate their experiences and expectations, which is understandable. However, if you mix too much "selfishness", do not solve the problems of children, alleviate their pain, and promote the development of individuals as the fundamental goal, but try to take this opportunity to convince children to develop in the industry and direction that is more in line with their expectations. In the long run, parents may gradually lose their children's trust in themselves, and also dispel the desire of their children again.

// Mutual communication needs to be based on good parent -child relationships.

A good relationship is the prerequisite for communication smoothly. Similarly, it is one of the prerequisites for adult children to be willing to talk to their parents.

It may be because parents and children have common hobbies, may be a small family gathering, or the values ​​and beliefs that fit together. These commonities will help promote the communication between children and parents. When lacking in common, children's talks to their parents become more rare, especially adult children.

This is also closely related to the establishment of the trust of both parties.

What can parents do?

Compared to directly asking children to be frank and asking why they lack trust in themselves, parents may choose to ask their children: "When you are upset or stressful, how can I better become your support and dependence? "Then, listen carefully to their answers -this is also the most difficult part.

If the children think that the relationship has been alienated, the two sides can also discuss the way to enhance intimacy; if the children are ashamed to talk about related topics, maybe let them put down the alert and make them still full of security in front of their parents. First of all, the question.

""

Author said

The maintenance and improvement of parent -child relationships has never been limited to the subject of childhood. For adult children and their parents, in the face of more complex and difficult social life, good family communication is even more important.

This requires not only the parents to make efforts. As a member of the adult children, they also need to reflect often, respect each other, and communicate with their parents sincerely and peacefully.

The laboratories and research groups of the Department of Psychology have a batch of high-quality psychological science public accounts in different directions. Custom menu in the background of the university hall can click "Classification Selection"-"Friendship Public Account". Every Saturday, one of the college halls will reprint one of them sharing with you, I wish you all good night.

This article is reproduced from the public account "Agglab". The Elderly Psychological Laboratory of the North Normal University is currently composed of the research group of Professor Wang Dahua and Professor Peng Hua Mao. The public account mainly promotes scientific research and activities related to the elderly's psychological health. Pay attention to the mental health of the elderly is to pay attention to our future!

Swipe up to read references:

[1] Partially compiled from Psychology Today, May 25, 2022, "WHY WON'T My Adult Child Confide in Me?" -won-t-my-adult-confide-in-me

[2] 部分编译自psychology today 2022年4月28日《8 Ways Parents Sabotage Conversations with Adult Children》https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/between-the-generations/202204/8-ways- Parents-Sabotage-Conversations-Adult-Children

Author | xhh

Source | North Normal University Psychological Laboratory

Beauty Staff | Boat

(This article is reprinted by the Beijing Normal University Psychological University Hall. Welcome to the circle of friends. If you need to reprint, please contact the background of the Psychological Laboratory of the Elderly University of the Normal University.

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