Douban score 9.1 "Marriage Life": People are middle -aged, talk about shame?

"Marriage Life" 1973 SCENER UR ETT ä KTENSKAP

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In the film and television drama "Marriage Life": I feel that my wife finds that she is pregnant and never wants her husband to tend to fight. One day the husband suddenly proposed to his wife that he fell in love with a woman named Baolla, and the two were in pain.

During the divorce of the agreement, the disrespect of the two sides broke out. It was not until many years later that the couple finally realized what the love belonging to the two people.

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In contrast, Chinese marriage has bundled a lot of affection and family responsibilities. "Traditional families are relatively stable. But is the traditional family system that we want to pursue?" Professor Zhao Liuyang, Professor of Fudan, pointed out in the latest article "Southern Character Weekly" that "a happy marriage is an individual individual Between family, freedom and stability, tolerance rather than opposite. "

Especially for young people at the moment, marriage is simply the "flood beast" on the road of life. The low fertility rate and the choice of "not marry" have become a firm choice for the post -90s and post -95s. Even if they need to face the so -called single pension, they are unwilling to bury into the siege of marriage.

For the Chinese -style middle -aged husband and wife, aside the paragraph of "Every college entrance examination ended, ushered in the climax of divorce", how many husbands and wives were stumbled by the mentality of "finally reached this step", and would rather choose to choose to themselves. The real state of marriage is "deaf and dumb"?

It is like a single state presented in the drama "Marriage Life": men always do not mention the family, but women always do not mention the words except the family.

Qixi is approaching. When we talk about love, what are we talking about? When we are talking about marriage, what should we talk about? If nothing can be changed, at least you can change your mentality.

The more civilized people,

The more you can't have a permanent happiness with a partner

Picture source: film and television drama "Marriage Life"

Russell once wrote: "We look around the world and ask ourselves, what conditions to promote the happiness of marriage and what conditions will cause the pain of marriage, we must not get a strange conclusion: the more civilized people seem to be the more we can't, the more we can't, Have permanent happiness with a partner. "

Although the farmers in Ireland, their marriage is still the master of their parents, but according to those who should understand them, most of their lives between their couples are happy and chastity. Generally speaking, people are the most different from each other, and marriage is the easiest.

If a man is almost the same as other men, and a woman is not different from other women, there is no reason to regret not marrying another person. However, if people's hobbies, careers, and interests are different, they always hope that a partner with the same temperament and affection; when they find that they can get as much as they can get as much as they can, they will feel that they will feel dissatisfied.

Traditional dogma will make people look at the marriage from the perspective of sex, so they do not understand why the marriage partners have a suitable difference and inappropriate difference, so they will advocate that marriage cannot be dissolved. Many pains.

"Marriage Pope" John Gotman once said: "I want me to admit that a marriage has come to an end, which is almost against my belief. Like many of my colleagues, I think the breakdown of marriage is a particularly regrettable thing. I always hope that some lovers can overcome all difficulties. But I have also encountered many husbands and wives. Their love has transformed into hatred, and hopes have become bitter. Although Lao Yan ’s division is sad, but sometimes it is a correct choice. "If the marriage is dead, what's the point of trying to save?

In the face of this situation, people need to have a strong heart, and they also need support from others, so that they have attracted heart injuries and live better. Why do people can't restore marriage and love even if they work hard? The reason is very simple: at least one person has decided to give up, and the efforts of the partner are blind. But sometimes there may be more complicated reasons.

But for most people, choosing to save marriage is not so simple. Many couples who consulted Gutman claimed that after one of them expressed the intention of divorce, the other side seemed very shocked. This kind of conversation is usually like this:

She: I want to divorce.

He: I don't know that you are so unhappy at all. Why don't you tell me earlier?

She: I have been telling you in the past 9 years.

or:

He: You are so sad, why don't you tell me? We can see the therapist immediately.

She: What does it mean? It will only cause a new round of quarrels, and in the end you will still push the mistakes to me, just as peaceful.

Such dialogue is quite common in marriage clinics, and it is almost impossible to judge whether their marriage is worth saving. Gitman suggested that the cumulative trust value of the husband and wife can be calculated based on the experience of the marriage between the two parties back to the common memory, or the value (betrayal) value is not trusted.

Work pressure, in -law relationship, money, sex, housework, newborns, these are common problems that can easily cause marriage conflicts. Some of them may become the itch in the marriage relationship.

Happy marriage needs to "operate",

But many people just move their mouths

Picture source: film and television drama "Marriage Life"

Happy marriage needs to be "operated", but many people just move their mouths. What exactly does this sentence mean? Each marriage is facing a certain emotional task and the husband and wife are completed together. These tasks come back to: let the marriage grow steadily, and the relationship between the two parties continues to deepen. Marriage needs to be understood, because this can make both husband and wife feel safe and reliable. When people do not complete these tasks, marriage is not like a storm in life in life, but more like being in another storm.

Albert Einstein may be the most intelligent person in the world, and this name will always be linked with genius. When he died, his brain was removed and preserved, so neurologists could find why he was so smart.

Yes, Einstein founded the theory of relativity. However, when talking about how to stay with a woman for life, Einstein is like most other men without clue. In 1914, when Einstein's marriage came to an end, he listed a list to his wife, listing the rules that the wife needs to follow with him if he wants to continue with him.

You need to guarantee:

1. My clothes need to be placed well, clean and clean;

2. Three daily meals must be delivered to my room regularly, and I will dine in the room; My bedroom and study must be tidy, and my desk is for my personal use.

You need to give up all personal relationships with me, because these relationships are unnecessary. In particular, you need to give up:

1. I stay with you at home;

2. I go out or travel together with you.

You need to obey the following points:

1. You can't expect to get along close with me, and you can't approach me in any intimate way;

2. If I have asked, you must stop talking to me;

3. As long as I put forward the need, you must immediately leave my bedroom or study room and not objection.

You can't degrade me in words or actions in front of your child.

Needless to say, after receiving the list a few months, Einstein's wife left him with two children and filed a divorce application. With a sentence, she also won all the Nobel Prize bonuses won by Einstein.

After experiencing a series of difficult processes such as encountering and dating, you believe that this opponent is the only one in your life. Now the problem you face is, how can you ensure that the other party is happy for a lifetime? How can you ensure that your relationship continues to grow and improve?

First, you must not list a list of getting along like Einstein. Second, never think that you have understood everything about each other. You can't, you can't.

Never stop dating her; never stop understanding her; never stop contacting her. You have to pay attention to her, time and support, and always be ready to help when she needs it. You have to listen to her voice. This is how you build trust with her.

For women, listening is as important as Wan Aike. This can make her feel safe and emotionally, so that she can keep her love.

Don't forget, you have to prepare to share your inner world with her. You have to be brave enough to expose your fragile side. Whether the partner relationship is long depends on men.

——John Gotman

The difference between a good man and a stupid man is that good men always have curiosity about their partner's inner world, and want to keep exploring her hope, fear and dreams. How to emphasize this is not too much.

Most of the two quarrels between the two

Strip from each other's attitude rather than content

Picture source: film and television drama "Marriage Life"

The quarrel in the marriage is like two boxers who jumped around on the ring and attacked each other. None of them were innocent. A person with a one -handed punch, then blocked each other, and came a left hook.

Both sides feel that they are not wrong, and only the other party is the problem. Gradually, the two sides began to fight more fiercely, and they would even wear a copper finger in the gloves, and they couldn't wait to give each other a fatal blow.

A young couple snuggled together, and their children were just born, and they seemed to exude light. The television in the house is on. At this time, the husband picked up the remote control and wanted to change the table.

The wife said softly: Dear, can you not change the station?

The husband asked doubt: Why? I just want to see what good shows are, maybe which station is playing a movie.

The wife returned gently again: You change the table to change my dizziness, so let's watch a stage casually.

Husband: But I don't like these shows, I want to find it again.

His wife began to complain: What is the relationship between watching the show? It depends on this.

Husband: OK, okay!

Wife: You "good" sounds the same as "shut up".

Husband: I didn't ask you to shut up, you are too emotional.

Wife: The tone of your speech seems to be your subordinates. I don't like you to talk to me like this.

Husband: I don't like you all the time. You let me stay alone.

Wife: Go to you! If I don't talk, you will not care about me at all.

Husband: Don't be blind! You can't control yourself?

Wife: You bastard shakes in front of me, how can I control myself!

At this time, the baby became anxious.

Husband: Look at the good things you do!

Wife: You picked it up first. I have always been calm, it's your temper. Husband: It's you!

The baby's face wrinkled, and his heartbeat seemed to be suspended, and he began to be at a loss.

Such quarrels often occur when the two sides are exhausted, overwhelmed and overwhelmed. The quarrel is often no reason. If babies are also next to them, parents will often feel particularly distressed. Witnessing the quarrels of parents, babies will accumulate pressure.

In fact, from 20 to 80, the topic of arguing with most partners is basically the same. The couple just mentioned and other couples observed in the laboratory are very similar. The reason why 21%of couples quarrel are concentrated on the attitudes of both parties, rather than specific things. Most of the quarrels are like this. In other words, the focus is on the process of quarrel, not content.

And those couples who have successfully transitioned to parents are full of wisdom. They do this: build a map of love; express gratitude, love and appreciation; response rather than avoid each other.

The map of love is a password to the spiritual world of the other party. Do you know the other person's favorite food, movies, relatives, and the most annoying person? Are you familiar with each other's job? Do you know where the opponent's passion for work is? Is the other party completely unbearable at work? What is the most hidden dream of the other party? ... Reading the other person's heart, the premise is to know what the other person is.

The birth of the child means that the parents have been reborn. Everything in life has changed, including the values, priority matters, dreams of life, and even aura. Therefore, it is important for people to re -understand each other.

So, how to draw a map of love for each other's inner world? It is very simple, Geterman pointed out in the book: The answer that a successful couple told us was -ask questions. But it must be an open problem, not a closed problem.

For example, "Do we want to watch a movie at night?" It is a closed question. The open question will cause a story, and the answer is richer. For example, "Being a father, what is your favorite point?" "Where is the most difficult thing to be a mother?". Asked such a question is actually an invitation to the other party: Please let me know you and tell me who you are.

Questions must be sincere, be curious, and sincerely want to know the answer, and want to listen. Perhaps this is what people often say, "The best middle -aged husband and wife relationship is a wine companion with a smile."

Finally, no matter how marriage, I wish you a long time. The premise is that you are happy enough.

(The above content is comprehensively organized: "Happy Family", "Happy Marriage", "Game of Love", "Communication of Love")

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