Learn that you can guard your own border

not

"Can't refuse"

It is a problem -based behavior mode due to the formation of the growth environment

Many visitors complained to me that my partner obeyed his parents, or his parents had no boundaries. The decoration of the family, the small noise between the husband and wife, the older generation, the older generation must rely on the experience of "coming people". And at this time, they cannot reject the advice of the elders. Over time, the unclear contradictions were born, and life was full of anxiety and pain.

In fact, "unable to reject" is a problem -based behavior mode for the formation of the growth environment.

Mr. A, a visitor A, is a young talent, but has a weakness -it is difficult to say "no" in front of parents and authority. Before he talked about a girlfriend, the two had a good relationship, but the parents did not agree, so they had a pain and married the girl recognized by their parents. After marriage, his parents highly interfered his life, causing contradictions to intensify and marriage. Recently, A was in love again. He knew that everything was hard to come and wanted to cherish it. But parents oppose it again. He knew in his heart that he couldn't wipe out his parents, but he didn't have the courage to fight against them and defend his feelings. As a result, the girl was going to leave him, and Mr. A was extremely disappointed with herself, anxiety and pain. As soon as I heard the phone ringing, I thought it was a parent call, and my heart was frightened. When I thought of the parents' face, my stomach would spasm and vomit in severe cases.

This lack of boundaries in life stems from Mr. A's childhood experience. The strong mother would be able to do something wrong with him, and also scared him to the window, saying that he would throw him down from the 5th floor. In addition, the mother and father often quarreled and fighting. Both sides were paranoid and unreasonable, and they would often have a shocking neighbors to run to persuade. Mr. A was docile and obedient since he was a child, and lived carefully to avoid the "war" at home.

After going to middle school, his parents no longer hit him and replaced them. As long as he made a mistake, his parents would give him a "turbulent bombing" preaching. It often took 2 to 3 hours, and he would also tell the neighbors, relatives and friends to let everyone evaluate and persuade him. Therefore, every time he violates the wishes of his parents, it is like a horse honeycomb, and he will be chased and blocked.

After growing up, Mr. A left his hometown. His parents lost the assistance of the relatives and friends, and upgraded the control mode and changed to cry and seeking death. Mr. A's fear of his parents and even spread to work. Since he was afraid of his parents' deterrence since he was a child, and the leader felt very similar, his subconsciousness moved this fear to the leader. He also obeyed the leader. Even if he knew that the leader was wrong, or the arrangement of the leader harmed his interests, he could not refuse. For example, once a night shift, the leader called him to go to a wine bureau. He was overworked and physical, and he knew that he would be drunk again, but at the moment he received the call, he seemed to receive it. The instruction robot was promised to reflected the same condition, and was later sent to the emergency room for rescue.

Similar things often happen, and Mr. A often reflect on himself. But when he heard the request from leaders or parents again, he still dare not refuse. Over time, he lived with hands and feet. This is not the right thing, the concerns, serious psychological internal consumption, and serious anxiety. Like countless people who have similar experiences, Mr. A often has a sense of weakness and disability in "refusing" and "guarding his own border". They need to retrieve their bottom line and regain the sense of power and control of adhering to the boundaries.

So, how to have the guts of "no"? We can try "Personality Capital". First of all, choose a "personality sample", this person has some personality traits you recognize and need. This sample can be a real person around you, or people in film and television works, books and stories. Next, pay attention to and observe your "personality sample". How did he handle things you are not good at? After observing for a period of time, you basically understand his behavior mode. Then, in a specific situation, you can try to "bring into his personality" to help him solve the problem.

Maybe you feel difficult at first. It doesn't matter, then observe your "personality sample" and convince yourself to try "personality bring in". Human psychology is amazing. When you are wrapped in the inherent psychological inertia, it will be particularly difficult to violate this inertia, but as long as you break through the old model, they can no longer trap you. The new psychological model will produce strong inertia and replace the trajectory of the past. These acquired models will gradually integrate into your original personality system and become part of your own. Therefore, as long as there is a successful beginning, you can continue to succeed. What you need to do is to take the first step bravely.

(The author is a senior tumor psychological counselor, the founder of the public account "Tang Jing psychology")

Send 2022.9.12 Total Issue 1060 "China News Weekly" magazine

Magazine title: From "unable to reject" to the guardian border

Author: Tang Jing

Edit: Wang Xiaoxia

Operation editor: Wang Lin

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